Miscarriage and Stillbirth Memorial Rituals and Ceremonies questionnaire


At how many weeks gestation did you lose your baby?

42 weeks and 2 days.

Please tell us the story of your baby's loss.

My husband and I were so looking forward to the birth of our first born and we went to all the different types of courses (i.e. antenatal classes, special water birth classes, done a whole of reading using books and the internet). The due date came and went but I insisted that we should leave everything in God's hands and that our baby should be allowed to choose the day that he is ready to be born. I was supposed to be induced on the evening of 21 May 07 but went into natural labour on 20 May 07. The pains were quite minor but by 22h00 became very strong and more frequent. At 03h00 on 21 May we left for the Hospital, together with all our gear, religous pictures on the walls, beautiful music for the labour and birth as well as candles for the water birth which is what I had wanted to experience as it seems to be the most gentlest way to welcome a new baby into this world.

Our baby was a mere hour away when his tired little heart stopped beating. This was confirmed by sonar and then I had to still endure the pain of labour to push him out which was the most traumatic experience of my life (I will never forget the pain was so intense that I could not even cry over such a great loss. I could not take any pain killers as I had to work with the contractions - the saddest part is that if the outcome/result was a live baby, at least I could have appreciation for the pain, but I really cannot and I am not sure if I ever will want to endure such pain in future). We did not even know he was a boy because we wanted it to be a surprise and he definitely was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I do believe that Daiwik was definitely strong and healthy and I knew then as I know even with more conviction now that this was all according to Divine Plan and God had provided me with this experience so that my soul can move forward on it's journey. This joy/surprise was very short lived as it was immediately followed by great sadness and huge tears. All our hopes and dreams of being a family unit and coming home with our baby was shattered. We did not even once think that this could have been a possibility during my pregnancy as I had a terrific, healthy and non-complicated pregnancy.

To our son Daiwik, know that we will never ever forget you and will always love and cherish you and hope and pray that some of your character will reflect from your siblings one day. We also pray that you are in safe and loving hands and are being well looked after till we meet with you one day. You hold an extremely special place in our hearts.
Love You my little angel - Mommy and Daddy

Were you able to see your baby after it was delivered?
My midwives asked me during the time I was busy pushing him out whether I wanted to see him, I insisted on doing so. He is my baby afterall.

Did you spend time with your baby after it was delivered? Please describe.
Yes I did, they gave him to me to hold immediately and I remember how warm he felt as he was delivered from inside of me that I just could not believe that he was no longer alive, especially because he looked so normal, healthy and strong. I held him for a few minutes and then gave him to his Dad to hold as well. I then got cleaned up and we were given an opportunity to spend more time with him (however I felt it was not long enough, I wish now that I held him for at least a couple of hours before letting him go).

Were you able to have your baby's remains after they were delivered?
Yes, we were given free reign to decide what to do with Daiwik's remains. The clinic that we were at was fortunately a small and intimate clinic where everyone knew what had happened and were genuinely compassionate and concerned and were very helpful with our needs and requirements.

If you were in the hospital, were you able to request to take your baby's remains home with you?
We planned to have a small funeral and the undertaker concerned came to take the baby until the day of the funeral.

After you lost your baby, please describe your feelings. Were you in shock, or denial? Did you grieve? Please describe the stages of emotion that you experienced and their intensity. (please remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel after a loss, just what is)

Emotionally almost immediately when I heard that my baby was no longer alive, there already begun the self blame journey that haunted me for about two and half months thereafter. All the could have's, should have's kept on crossing my mind. I should have had a ceaser done a month before, perhaps my baby would be with us right now, (alive). I could have stuck with a gynae instead of changing to midwife's (as gynaes are more clinical and perhaps with more medical intervention, my baby would be with us (alive). I remember I kept on talking to the baby (out loud and in my mind) to ask where are you, why did you have to go, am I such a bad mother not to have deserved you. I am so sorry this had happened to you, I hope you did not experience much pain, I miss you, I love, I wish I was with you to take care of you. I love you......., please come back.......... In atual fact there was strong denial as well, as if this is happening to someone else, it really can't be happening to me because I did everything right, I had the best pregnancy ever, my labour begun naturally and progressing well. This was definitley not real, like a dream, more accurately the worst nightmare ever. Even when my family came to see us, I remember feeling like a failure, a lady that was so weak and inadequate to deliver a live baby, I felt like I let everyone down and that everyone was dissapointed in me (even all they showed me was great love and effection and compassion). I also felt very unlucky and how lucky everyone else was as they had all their children (this included my immediate mother and mother in law). The feeling of isolation and lonliness was also very intense as no one could relate to what happened to me, it felt like I was the only person cursed to have gone through this experience. Even the things people were saying made me angry like they do know what I am going through and I was young enough to try again and I will have another baby. They could not understand that I wanted this baby so much and only having him back could make me feel better and that no other baby/ies in future can ever replace him or the love that I have and will always have for him.
Every nigh I use to cry myself to sleep, only talking to the baby and telling him how sorry I am and that I hope he is okay and I wish we could be together (even if it meant that I loose my life in order to be with him). I did not even want to eat as there was no point to sustain myself to carry and the most awful emotions always drowned me when I bathed because I could see my bulging belly but there was no baby in there or out, I could see my breasts that were meant for feeding Daiwik and how I had to take a medicine to stop the milk production, even the physical natural healing felt so unnecessary as I believed it was all in vain. I felt robbed as I am a mother but I do not have a baby. I was very angry with God as well, asking questions like why me, what did I do to deserve this, what am I paying for that cost such a precious and irreplacable gift, I am such a good person (or so I thought)....until one day, a friend of mine told me that my baby was never promised to be, there was no guarantee as such, and the fact that I was pregnant, did not mean that I am definitley going to have this baby (alive and healthy) and all my anger at God was like bargaining tool where I kept on saying I prayed so much and why did you do this. From that day on, I got my faith back and started praying again. I was fortunate enough to attend compassionate friends group therapy a mere two weeks after this loss and thereafter I did not feel so alone and I knew that there were others who knew exactly what I am going through and how I felt and could relate in a way I needed to be related to at that time. Thereafter I have begun reading books on the Soul, books written by John Edward (America's most reknowned medium) as well as Gordon Smith (Medium from Glascow) they have given me much needed validation that my Daiwik is always with me and listening to me and knows how much I love him and also sends a lot of support and strength my way. I also went to medium in my area and she put my mind at ease in that I now know that I could not have prevented what happened and I was no one's fault but it was according to the divine plan and in a great way has really helped me to dust off alot of self blame and doubt of my own abilities to be a mother. I now am so thirsty for knowledge in the after life that I keep purchasing books, like Soul lessons and Soul purpose by Sonia Choquette, The after life by Deepak Chopra, Sacred Contracts, Anatomy of the Soul and Entering the Castle by Caroline Myss. All this has now brought me to a place of understanding, accepting, physical, emotional and spiritual healing that has been the gifts left to me by Daiwik so that my Soul can carry onward to it's journey and I believe in my heart of hearts that I will meeet my baby again, he may come back to me or I may see him when I cross over to the Spirit World. Until then I choose to take this experience of loosing him and turn it into a positive one where I can help others who encounter a similar evolvement to heal in this physical world and it has also made me very aware of how precious life is and that we should live each and every moment to the fullest because we do not know for how long we are here. Also that having negative emotions and behaviours is also very unneccessary. I now thank Daiwik every day and daily for being willing to go through what he did just to help me. His love for me is so great and I feel it with every positive thought, feeling and action that I go through.

Did you hold a ceremony or perform a ritual of any sort after you lost your baby?
Yes

If yes:
Was the ceremony or ritual performed by yourself, or another person?
It was performed by a priest after 40 days of my baby's passing. We believe that this prayer is important to set the soul free on it's journey.

Was the ceremony performed by a member of your clergy?
No

Who was present for this ceremony or ritual?
My immediate family, mom, brothers, sisters, nephews and neices and the same from my husband's side

Would you have liked other people to be present to honour your baby's life, or would you rather it have been a private affair?
I preferred to have had it just the way it did happen as they were the most important people involved during my entire pregnancy.

If other people attended, did you find that it helped to feel others around you to support you through your grieving?
Not really because everyone around me cannot relate to what happened. No one has had to bury their own child. (and I do pray that no one has to as it is the most painful experience of my life)

If you had asked other people's attendance to the ceremony, what were their reactions to being included?
They would have attended but probably would have felt uncomfortable, I still feel that a lot of people who know me and what I went through, do not know what to say and so they rather stay away.

If you have other living children, did you include them in your ritual? What was their role? What was their reaction?
I do not have any other children.

Please describe the ceremony with as much detail as possible:

Did you feel any sense of closure, peace, or relief after the ceremony was performed?
No, I felt it was just something that had to be done because the elders in the family said so, it did not help me in any way

Do you feel that the ceremony was an integral part of beginning to heal your grief?
No explanation is same as above. I believe true healing is only once you begin to understand why this happened and also when you start to shed off the self blame aspect which is very intense, especially for me as the mother.

When you look back, is there anything that you wish you had of included in your ceremony that you did not?
No

When you look back, is there anything you regret about the ceremony and would have changed?
No

If no:

Would you have liked to have been offered the opportunity to have a memorial for your baby?
Yes as I know that all the other member's of my family cannot feel the same impact of the loss as I do but at least in the memorial, I could arrange it in a way that I feel like to honour my baby.

Would you have liked to have friends and family help to create a memorial for your baby?
Yes, as they can see more of how it really effects me.

Were you aware at the time of your loss that it was possible to have had a ritual/ ceremony for your lost baby, either on your own or led by a clergy member?
No. at the time of loss, I was in great denial of the whole situation

If you were not aware, would you have liked to have had those resources available to you to create your own ritual for your baby, or to seek help from somebody who could facilitate a ceremony for you?
Yes

If you did not/ do not want to have a memorial for your baby could you put into words why?
In a way I did not want to have a memorial either, as I feel what happened will only impact on me for the rest of my days on earth whereas everyone else will carry on with their lives as normal. I will always remember Daiwik and there is not a day that goes by that I wish I was with him, or how old he would have been today or how he would look as he got older.